Thursday, July 26, 2012

And Breathe...

...ahhhh, doesn't that feel better?!
It's time to come clean, my little Fem De M-Ettes, I'm finally, truly, coming up for air & breathing deep, full breaths of fresh air after what must be the most harrowing two years of my life.  Our family & therefore family business, completely turned on it's head by a random health issue which has now left L'Homme with a permanent brain injury.
I don't want this to become a pity party, because despite the upheaval, the many inevitable changes and reality checks, there's been a positive light.
It has forced me to truly look at my life;
 who is in it? who can i call on?  who is for me? what needs attention? where might I find myself if I don't make certain decisions? The how this happened to L'Homme was explained the day he collapsed.  And I've not ever asked why, because truly, 'why not'?  Who am I to think that something of this scale couldn't happen to our family?

This incident forced me to be raw in a way I never had to be before.  A massive spotlight was shone onto our lives, everyone looking to either help, offer words of wisdom, learn or simply love us. The way we lived, the changes we needed to make, the way we have had to soldier on have been placed under a microscope and examined by professionals, family & friends.  And that is a challenge to say the least.  But it means you are forced to be stripped bare & with that rawness comes an inner strength & honesty....nothing can be hidden.  Not how you live, how you think, your true self is at the very surface.

So, I'm being honest with you now.  I love having a blog, but have barely been able to bring myself to look at it, as I've felt slight hypocritical, trying to bring sweetness & light, when the days have often been a little dark.  Most of the moments I'd be blogging or reading those of friends are now spent in the bath after I've put the Petits to bed.  Or I go to bed myself.

I am starting with baby-steps, now that L'Homme is happily living independantly with the freedom to work on himself & not worry about anything outside his personal progress....except for time with the Petits, which they all love. Now that I have emerged from my grief & confusion & feel grateful for the 19 years l'Homme & I shared together.  Now I have learnt how to live with a bruised heart & start living independantly as the sole carer of our two little boys.  Now that I am looking forward to the second half of my life with a full heart.

My blog baby-steps will be to write a post every Thursday, until I slowly build up to Tuesdays & then I may even throw in the odd Friday.  I am going to visit colleagues & retailers, art galleries, I'm going to continue building our business, attending lectures, listen to stories of creative lovelies & generally fill my own cup.

Thanks for reading, I hope it makes sense.  It's off the top of my head, I just needed to start a clean slate on this here blogosphere.  From now on, there's going to be more me & more honesty.
See you next Thursday xxx